Tuesday, February 26, 2008

A bit lonely

I get so busy doing that sometimes I don't realize how I'm feeling, until that feeling is an overwhelming burst of emotion that topples me.

Last night, as I stood bawling in front of the bathroom mirror, completely unable to form words to explain to my husband what was wrong...I realized something was wrong. It's hard to explain what is wrong when my mind is racing, trying to figure out what is wrong.

I did finally figure it out: I'm lonely.

Pregnancy is such a social time. People always want to talk to me, to touch me. I am having baby showers on many a Saturday, and people shower me with gifts. So, it's shocking to me that I feel lonely. It's not even that I don't want or need this social time. I am a social creature and I really do need social interaction to thrive...it's how I re-boot.

Yet, the more social this pregnancy gets, the lonelier I am. So why? (...I wondered, as I was bawling into the bathroom mirror...) I know why... people aren't talking to ME. Every single conversation includes comment that I look small for being so far along. (Which is stupid...I feel huge, so that really isn't very encouraging, and besides...I get measured every single week by my midwife and I'm not measuring small. It just isn't true, and I'm tired of hearing it.) Every single conversation includes a question of what we are naming the baby. Every. Single. Time. They ask how I'm feeling, and if I say anything other than fine or good they look shocked and dismayed. How dare a 37 week pregnant woman feel uncomfortable?! She should be basking in the miracle of her gestation and feel like an angel. Mind you, I really do try to look on the brighter side and count my blessings... but I still manage to do that AND respond honestly.

So alas, I spend my day with lots of people wanting to talk about nothing, or about things that really, really irritate me. It's a lonely place to be.

The worst is when I go places where I haven't seen people in a few days or a week. I hate going in to work (I don't have to go to the office every day), because I have this same conversation with every single person I see, every single time I go in. Oh, to just go to work and just work. I hate going to my weekly bible study. Again, every single gal (except for one sweet friend of mine...and I try to just find her and hide!) I see in the hall stops me to have this same conversation. I just want to be a hermit in my house for the next weeks just so I don't have to talk to anyone. I'm done working after this week, and I'm mostly excited to not have these hallway conversations anymore. I'm also thinking of quitting my bible study a couple weeks early.

I just want to wear a big sign (and put one on my front door, too) that says: "I'm due March 21st, it's a girl, I know I'm not carrying like it's a girl, I know you think my belly looks small, and I'm not telling you her name. I'm doing just fine."

Does this go away after the birth, or get worse?

2 comments:

Reformed Grits said...

Man, oh man! :-(
Just a different perspective, and I'd say this is pretty normal, but could it be too that you are just bored with it all and want people to have an interest in YOU again-- not just the baby?
I know for me, my world revolved around my stomach it seemed. I guess people just assume you feel that way too?
Nothing's wrong with you, by the way.
And in my experience, I'm not much encouragement here, but yes, it got worse before it got better. Hormones made me an evil person. I always say they should be controlled substances.
How is your DH dealing with all this? Are things going well with you all?
I'd say "You are almost there!" but somehow I wonder if you aren't sick of hearing that platitude...

kel said...

Hi Kim!

Oh, I'm probably just too controlling. =) I still love talking about the baby... I just want to talk about what I want to talk about. Does that make sense? For some reason, there are just a couple specific baby-related topics that drive me batty.

I've got a couple friends who ask about baby stuff and it doesn't bother me at all... I've been trying to figure out the difference. It seems to me that those gals are genuinely asking me what I think about something, or are genuinely trying to encourage me, etc. On the other hand... everyone else just asks, but doesn't seem to really want to hear the answer. I'm just tired of completely shallow small talk.

Although, I'm sure you are partly right. ;-)

I do feel like an evil person. I've tried to think of the best way to respond (or not) to these comments/questions without screaming. I haven't come up with a good one yet that isn't completely rude. Part of me just wants to walkk away at one mention of my stomach size or baby names, but I'm guessing people would count that as rude.

Hmmm...

Oh, and hubs and I are doing great. I'm sure I'm driving him crazy, but he's been patient and supportive. Offers lots of hugs. Thanks for asking! =)